How you doin'?

I said I would write three posts about the retreat I went to a few weeks ago, and I decided to start with No. 3: If this was your first adoration (it was mine), discuss any revelations you received.

Even though I've always been a Catholic, I'd never been to adoration, and I didn't even know what it was, really. Here's a definition I found at Catholic.com:

"It is the worship of Jesus Christ outside of the mass. A consecrated host is placed in a monstrance and set upon the altar for the faithful to worship. Since the consecrated host contains our Lord Jesus in His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity, we are strongly encouraged by the Church to worship Him in this fashion."

In other words, you go to church, and sit (or kneel) there in Jesus' presence.

So, we enjoyed a morning of speakers at the retreat, had lunch, then were invited to go to adoration in the church, conveniently located across the hall at St. Patrick's Church in Stoneham. (Beautiful church, by the way! Scroll all the way down to see the gorgeous statue of Mother Theresa and the stained glass).

I sat there for a while, gazing at the monstrance, alternating between waiting for A Message to apologizing to God for everything from yelling at my kids, to being a lazy, undisciplined glutton and a pretty lousy wife. Yes, it was a sad line of thought, but it was a sincere description of how I felt in that moment. (I didn't know it at the time, but I had PMS -- TMI, but relevent TMI.)

Then, this thought came into my head: "You're doing well." I was filled with a sense of how hard I was being on myself, and how I have a tendency to do that.

And how I really shouldn't do that.

Just so you don't think I'm being cavelier in my list of PMS-laden thoughts, let me explain:

• Yelling at my kids: I started homeschooling my kids in the fall, and I've often thought of this as a chance to get closer to them, to be a more loving mom. However, more times than I would like, I yell, act impatient, and am otherwise a poor example of how I want them to behave. But God says I'm doing well.

• Lazy: Even though my ankles feel great (long story, search the archives in 2007-2008 if you want), I have not been exercising. Even though it would improve my temperment during the day, I have not been getting up early, but instead sleeping until the kids get up. Lots of things that need doing around the house have gone undone. But God says I'm doing well.

• Glutton: I have been eating a lot. A lot. Stress-eating like nothing I've experienced in myself before. Like, where I normally would've eaten a snack of ice cream or nachos or a diet soda at night, I have all three. Like, when I'm running an errand by myself, driving to McDonald's or Dunkin' Donuts and eating those evil ice cream coffees and French fries, or donuts (yes, the plural there is intended). I have never done that kind of thing before, and it's kind of scary. But God says I'm doing well.

• Lousy wife: Suffice it to say that I can be kind of crabby and unappreciative. But God says I'm doing well.

The truth is, if I put all of these self-criticisms into a line graph (how pathetic would that be?), over the last decade they would all have an upward trend toward improvement. Yes, I need to look at myself truthfully and work on my faults and bad behaviors. But -- Hello! -- most of this negative self-talk comes from the devil and from fear, and I don't want either dictating my decisions or my state of mind. 

Overall, even though I'm not where I need to be, thank God I'm not where I was. 

I'm doing well.

Thunderbolts

I'm a fan of Conversion Diary, written by Jennifer Fulwiler. Which is to say, I am a fan of Jennifer Fulwiler, who is even more beautiful in person, if you can believe that. I found her blog a few years ago about the same time I found Ann Voskamp's blog A Holy Experience. And while I love Voskamp's writing now, at the time I was not secure enough to appreciate her beautiful words or photos. They made me see ugly in my own life and home. Conversion Diary's down to earth, self-depricating style was just what I needed.

(By the way, I've grown, and can appreciate Voskamp much better now, thank you.)

So when Fulwiler mentioned she would be speaking at a conference just 20 minutes from my house, at a Catholic women's "Day Away" (offered by Faith & Family Magazine/Online), I had to go. I'd been craving some quality time with other Catholic women. It's Lent, and the schedule for the day featured interesting speakers, small group discussions, confession, adoration, rosary -- even a Mass if you wanted to stay for it. I didn't even know how gorgeous the Church would be. I didn't even know there would be unlimited free chocolate.

At the end of the day, they asked us to come up and share, if we wanted, one or more of three things:

1. A scripture or message that you would take away from the day.
2. A realization that hit you - BAM! - light a thunderbolt between the eyes.
3. If this was your first adoration (it was mine), any revelations you received.

I didn't get up to share, although part of me wanted to. At first I thought I was giving other women time to share, then I told myself that I didn't have my thoughts fully formed.

But now I know the truth.

If I got up there, I might not have stopped talking. And that, my friends, would have been embarrassing.

So, I've decided to do a little series of posts to talk about the take-away messages, thunderbolts and revelations I received one Saturday in Stoneham, surrounded by a bunch of my Catholic sisters.

I can tell you one: Why haven't I been surrounding myself with Catholic women more often? Like weekly? Daily even? Could I box them all up and have them shipped to my house to live in my basement? Just a group of 10 of them?  Please?

You can see why I didn't stand up to share ...

Book Giveaway

Ha! I post something about quotes and miraculously someone presents me with a book to give away on ... quotes!

It's called Dance First. Think Later. 618 Rules to Live By, by Kathryn and Ross Petras. It's full of quotes by famous people such as Mario Andretti ("If everything is under control, you're going too slow"), Julia Child ("The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for your steak to cook"), and Ray Bradbury ("Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity.").

Are all of these quotes truly words to live by? No, no they are not. But it's a cute collection, and many of the quotes I hadn't seen before. My favorite so far is by Dr. Suess (Theodor Geisel):

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

That seems to be the story of my life.

So! If you'd like a copy of this fun little book, leave me an interesting quotation by Friday, February 25 at midnight, EST. I'll pick a winner and post her name on Saturday. (Yes, men can win too. Please don't get pronoun picky with me.)

Top 10 Favorite Quotes

Thursday's Top Ten: 2-17-10: What are your Top Ten favorite quotes?

OK, I tried. I really did. But I could only get my list down to 12. And I'm not sure what these say about me. Hmmmm....

In no particular order:


"She is a friend of my mind ... The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order." ~ Toni Morrison

"Life engenders life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich." ~ Sarah Bernhardt

"Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?" ~ Shirdi Sai Baba, Indian Saint

"Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie." ~ William Shakespeare

"Be willing to experience a little discomfort." ~ Richard Carlson

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."
~ Saint Francis de Sales

"The saints are the sinners who keep on trying." ~ Robert Louis Stevenston

"The pain of discipline is short, but the glory of the fruition is eternal." ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

"Money often costs too much." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." ~ Aristotle

"Both figuratively and literally, we only have moments to live." ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." ~ C.S. Lewis

Coming out of my coccoon.

I went to a blogger junket-type thing last week! It was crazy, listening to these women bloggers who have fancy business cards and take blogging seriously. The one woman I chatted with said, "It's like a full-time job." And I said, "Blogging?"

Blogging??

OK, I can see that. I had to tell her, because I overshare, that I blogged mostly from 2004-2008, and the deepest I got into it was writing reviews to get free books and DVDs. But then paperbackswap.com and Red Box came along and I was done. She was really sweet and didn't make me feel at all like a loser after I said that. Bloggers are still good people! Phew!

The reason why I stopped blogging, though, really had nothing to do with Red Box.

In May 2009, I went to Kripalu to see Caroline Myss give a talk based on her then-upcoming book, Defy Gravity. It was interesting, moving, and sometimes confusing. I've never heard anyone sound so totally Catholic and un-Christian at the same time. Still, her insights into "the seven graces" and "the seven dark passions" forever changed my outlook. For example: I am NOT entitled to have chocolate ever again. I am not even entitled to a husband who wipes off the counter after he cuts toast directly on it. In fact, I'm not even entitled to my important papers not being put on top of those crumbs!! Can you believe it? I couldn't.

I'm still getting over that.

At one point, Myss said that we, as humans, go through periods of change when we are not who we were, and are not yet who we are becoming. In other words, we are in a coccoon of sorts. We're changing. Given the state of our melting body tissues, we're not fit to be seen in public.

So that's what I've been up to. Coccooning, which is way different than nesting. I haven't been washing tiny t-shirts and stocking up on baby wipes. But I have been creating a new life, every day. One for me, and through that, one for my family.

I've been staring down some of my fairly major problems and faults, with the goal of taking them down one by one and kicking their asses. OK, really what I've been doing is looking at these problems and faults and asking God to kick their asses. And we've had some progress.

In the waiting room at Ava's ballet/tap class on Saturday, my mother described me to another mom as "a deep thinker." She even put her elbow on her knee and her curled fist under her chin as she said it. Like in that statue.

I am the introspective type but there's a point where these deep thoughts must translate into action.

Deep in the crevasses of my brain, I had these dreams I never thought would become reality. I didn't.

I wanted to learn bodywork and help people fix their pain.

I wanted to be the kind of mom who could bring her kids home and teach them. And not just the three R's but everything. EVERYTHING.

I wanted to be crazy healthy. Healthy enough that I could do those first two things with passion and integrity and also go mountain biking with my great grandkids.

And speaking of being old, I couldn't get the elderly in nursing homes out of my head, and heart. I wanted to do something for them.

Anway, as my two loyal readers know, I did become a licensed massage therapist. I have my own practice, and I've been doing it long enough that I'm starting to know what I'm doing. In other words, I'm starting to help people get rid of pain. And that's cool.

Also, my kids did begin homeschooling in September. While their education so far hasn't had quite the breadth and depth that I'd like it to have going forward, we must remember that detoxing from public shchool life takes time for all involved.

They have learned some things, like reading, writing, math, scripture. They've also learned that there ARE other kids who do not go to public/private school. And that their mom's liable to do just about ANY DAMN THING so WATCH OUT FOR HER! She's a take charge kind of gal who loves them, admits her mistakes, and is 100% committed to creating a God-centered, joy-filled life with them. And when she says "GO TO YOUR ROOM," and "NO MORE JUNK FOOD IN THE HOUSE!" she really, really means it.

(Except on Valentine's Day. Shhhh!)

As for the health thing, well, I haven't had a sip of alcohol since October of 2009. I've flirted with Dr. Fuhrman's Eat for Health/Eat to Live program, sometimes with much success and sometimes with a lot of ice cream, diet soda and nachos with cheese. But for the most part I'm back on a vegetarian diet.

And most recently, I started going to a nursing home for my church, bringing the Eucharist to those who want it. I've only gone a couple of times but it's nice. It's a start.

I have stepped out of my coccoon but I keep it in a corner up in my bedroom so I can crawl back in from time to time.

My next hurdles are getting to bed earlier, getting up earlier and spending at least 15-30 minutes a day fixing some major clutter and decor problems in my house. Exercise too but, hey, I have to take things slow. As evidenced by my archives detailing these exact same goals going back to 2004, these things take time.

Years, even.