Oh, Tivo. Why Do You Treat Me So?

When my husband first described Tivo to me, I said, “I want it. Now.” Ever since Ben came into our lives, our evening routine included me yelling, “Oh, yeah, Survivor’s on!” while getting Ben into his feety pajamas at 8:03 p.m., prompting Brian to fly downstairs to fumble with videotapes and set the VCR. Then we’d watch Survivor, only to find out we’d taped over That 70s Show. Aargh!

Also, Ben never watched TV for the first few years of his life. I liked to attribute that to my superior parenting skills, but in reality, the few shows that held his attention were never on when I needed them, and I had yet to build up my arsenal of 248 kids' videotapes.

A few months later, for our 10th anniversary, we got Tivo. In the year and a half since then, I’ve watched about 11 commercials. Yes, Tivo has changed my life.

Real-time TV just doesn’t cut it anymore. Sunday night, Tivo had nothing for us, so Brian and I ventured into live TV. We started getting into this show, Steve Somebody’s Amazing Tricks or something like that. But every two minutes, the commercials started, and then the announcer kept talking! Like, he wouldn’t shut up! So I kept hitting fast forward, and Tivo made that gong! sound, and I got all confused until I remembered: Real time sucks!

Many of the shows I now watch, I would never watch live. I’m not a cold-hearted person, but I do not have enough tears in me to sit through another entire episode of Extreme Home Makeover. As much as I love What Not to Wear, I can’t watch another ungrateful fashion ingrate sulk her way through her $5,000 spending spree. Though I do like to fantasize about hiring an interior decorator from Designer’s Challenge, I must pass on the obligatory trip to the tile/cabinetry/furniture store to watch these spoiled yuppies blow their budget. So, yes, I like the quickie that Tivo affords.

Tivo even makes baseball and football, the two sports that I hate the most, somewhat enjoyable to watch. A three-and-a-half-hour football game? Not anymore! Baseball, a slow sport? Not in my house! (Of course, winning the Super Bowl and the World Series didn’t hurt, either.)

But lately, Tivo has begun to taunt me. For instance, it:

• Insists on recording Intimate Portrait, even though I have given it no indication whatsoever that I would watch such a show.

• Keeps taping shows on Spanish stations. You know, shows in which people speak Spanish? I don’t speak Spanish.

• Tapes movies on pay channels that we don’t get. So, I’ll see Secret Window in the Now Playing list, get all excited (yeah, a Johnny Depp movie), hit play, and see... black. That’s just unkind.

• Stops recording high-priority shows on our Season Pass for no apparent reason. For the last two weeks, Tivo has refused to tape Arthur. Why? To make my life a living hell, that’s why.

• Takes 23 minutes to process any changes to the recording schedule, aka, the Season Pass Manager. So, say we are hunting around Tivo for something to watch, right? Then we choose something and hit record. Then, say we take the bait when Tivo offers to put the show on the Season Pass roster. Well, now we've done it. We have to get out a book to read, have sex (yeah, right, my husband would say), or (more likely) go take a nap before we can resume our TV watching. No really, the delay is that obnoxious.

Still, Tivo and I will never part ways. Even shows I watch all the way through, like the Apprentice, Survivor or the Amazing Race, benefit from zipping through openings songs, weekly recaps and, of course, commercials. I could never go back to fumbling with videotapes and being a slave to a network’s schedule.

So, Tivo? When I called you a piece of shit the other day, and threw the remote across the room last night? I didn't really mean it. Even though you mistreat me, I'll always need you.