How's That for a Kick in the Pants?

• Our baby swing stopped swinging.

• The boobs? Well, my right’s always been bigger than my left. But this time, now that I'm nursing my third baby, for some reason my right boob is way bigger than my left. Like, way.

• All the milk I pumped? All 190 ounces? There’s dairy, in all of it. During the weeks I pumped it, I ate a big bowl of ice cream every night and was prone to pulling into Dunkin' Donuts for a large iced latte. I had to give up dairy because when I eat even a small amount, Ava insists on performing this monotonous one-woman show called Purple Baby: screaming, stiffening, gagging, breath holding. It gets old, you know?

• My family room rug smells like the previous owner’s dog all the time now, not just on rainy days.

• I brought Ava to my chiropractor, who does this craniosacral thing on newborns, because Ava got a lot of bruising and such at birth. So, she told me to hang her upside down for a bit each day. 15 seconds here and there, 2 minutes total a day. She’s like, “Have you hung her upside down at all?” She’s all casual, as if that’s a normal thing to ask. So I did it, and Ava peed on her own face. I made my baby pee on her own face. That is a new mommy low.