My Ulterior Motives

My latest post is up at DotMoms:

Three weeks ago, the problems I had breastfeeding my newborn seemed insurmountable ...

Do the Kangaroo?

Got any advice on baby carriers?

I have a Baby Bjorn, which I don't love for the newborn phase. I like it best when the baby can face out and look around. I also have an Over the Should Baby Holder sling, which is nice but there's so much padding, it's so bulky.

If there is another carrier out there that works really well for infants, I'd like to give it a shot. So I looked online and I have to say, I'm completely overwhelmed with the selection of different baby carriers out there.

I really want one that's great for infants. It doesn't matter too much to me if it doesn't take us into toddlerhood. One I've found so far is this. If you have a carrier you love or hate, I'd love to hear about it.

Good One

Brian cracked the best joke last night! Keep in mind that he didn't get home until 9 pm Monday night and 7 pm Tuesday night. Meanwhile, I have been solo with the three kids, preventing the older ones from killing each other and deciding whether the three week old has reflux or just plain old colic.

Ok, ready?

Brian: I talked to Jerry, he's getting together with Sam and Brett Thursday night. Can I go?

Me: laughing hysterically

Brian: OK, well, we'll probably do it next next Thursday then.

Me: laughing hysterically

Oh, don't worry. I'll let him out of the house eventually. As long as I get a night out the same week.

Three Weeks

Number of days with new baby: 21

Number of times I ...

Used the breast pump: 84
Breastfed with nipple shield: 1,000,003
Breastfed without nipple shield: 5 (a record, set today!)
Shaved my legs: 1
Mowed lawn: 0
Forgot to brush teeth: 7
Decided against brushing, washing or dying my hair: 13
Turned hubby down for sex: 3
Yelled at boys and wished I hadn’t: 14
Hit Dunkin' Donuts drive-through: 4
Fantasized about a solo trip to Saturday morning yard sales or Barnes and Noble: 11
Fantasized about a solo 7-day cruise: 2
Made dinner: 1
Ate ice cream: 23
Cried in the bathroom: 16
Cried in public: 1
Felt mom guilt: 17
Reminded myself to take a picture of Ava in the blue chair: 21
Took a picture of Ava in the blue chair: 0
Almost got Ava to sleep when she a) pooped, b) got the hiccups, or c) spit up vast quantities: 15
Changed myself, Ava and bedding in the middle of the night because of spit up: 6
Felt exasperated by lack of sleep: 3
Felt exasperated by Ava's crying: 7
Calculated when she will be three months old: 17
Regretted not accomplishing more around the house before the baby came: 3
Enjoyed the fact that Ava's healthy and I didn't have a postpartum hemorrhage: 42
Reminded myself to enjoy this: 63

Better

Tuesday, after writing the last post, I spoke to Ava's pediatrician. I just wanted to keep her updated, in case the lack of breastfeeding signaled other problems. I told her that Ava would only take the bottle and I was struggling to breastfeed.

"And how do you feel about all this?" she asked.

"Well, I want to breastfeed her."

"Sometimes mom's anatomy and baby's anatomy just don't match up, and it just doesn't work," she said. She told me to bring Ava in the next morning. "I'll weigh her and let you know whether I recommend that you keep trying to breastfeed or not."

I was so discouraged after that conversation. I held out no hope that the lactation consultant could help me. I thought we'd tried everything. By the time I got to the LC's office, I was a crying mess of hormones.

But, she helped us a lot! First, she said to give Ava a bottle just long enough to settle her down. Then Ava latched on to me and just sat there, eyes wide and darting. The mere fact that she was awake felt miraculous.

The LC said, "Let's just accept this, she's hangin' out in the restaurant." She told me to create positive experiences at the breast. No wet face clothes to wake her, no jostling from position to position to get her to suck, no poking at her lips to get them in the right place.

After a while of that, the LC got out a nipple shield, a thin latex nipple for me to put over my own nipple. Ava latched on and took a good long drink. I was amazed!

As I watched Ava calmly drink through the shield, ears wiggling, throat swallowing, I realized that every time Ava nursed from when she was born, she ended up screaming and crying. But since seeing the LC, no tears or fretfulness. I had been doing pretty much everything wrong. The worst was I tried to nurse her with no expressed milk to encourage her on. I'd lock myself in my room for 10 minutes of torture, then turn her over to Brian or my mother to give her a bottle.

So after the LC visit, Ava would nurse with the shield on one side then finish with the bottle. On Thursday, she did a full nursing on both sides with just a few sucks from the bottle for an incentive. So Friday, I called the LCs to ask how to wean her from the nipple shield. A different LC returned the call. She said the first step had to be taking away the bottle incentive, and using the tubing or syringe instead.

So Friday afternoon I tried the syringes and tubing instead, and it was back to Ava screaming at the breast.

I emailed Jamie and she sent me a great article on how a bottle can help a baby learn to breastfeed (or at least not work against breastfeeding). She also gave me lots of encouragement. Thanks again, Jamie!

Yesterday and today Ava has been starving. She's partway awoken from her post-birth slumber, and she is hungry. So she's been a little frustrated at the breast again. I have to make sure to have a little milk in a bottle when I start to nurse her, or else she could very well end up screaming. We're just trying to keep feeding time happy at this point.

Because of the shield I have to pump for 10 minutes after every feeding. That's why I'm anxious to lose the shield. But at the same time, I think we've made good progress so far.

Milk, Tears Everywhere

Breastfeeding has gotten worse, although Ava is taking a few ounces every few hours by bottle. The last time she nursed was Monday morning, and before that sometime Sunday afternoon. She's less interested in nursing now than she's ever been.

I looked around the Web last night for some encouragement. What did I find? Several stories of it taking a baby like Ava four to six weeks to start nursing. The La Leche League site was the most discouraging:

"A newborn who refuses to nurse must first be evaluated to rule out ... birth trauma, or the use of improper positioning or latch-on techniques. When a baby with no other known problems refuses to breastfeed or has great difficulty nursing, it is often the result of experiences from the earliest moments and hours of the baby's life."

Ava came out with the cord around her neck so her first few moments were tumultuous. Plus, they then had to take her away to give her a physical and we were separated for the first two to three hours of her life.

"Some of the actions that can contribute to oral aversion include suctioning of the newborn's airway or stomach, naso- or orogastric feeding tubes, inappropriate use of artificial nipples and bottle-feeding methods, incorrect placement of fingers in the baby's mouth for finger feeding or suck assessment, and aggressive attempts to alter the baby's sucking pattern."

I don't know if she was suctioned, but she might have been. She had a lot of mucus because she came out very quickly.

"Feeding tubes are sometimes used in the place of artificial nipples in an effort to prevent breastfeeding problems caused by nipple preference. However, when feeding tubes are used in the forceful and overwhelming ways described above, they can cause problems too."

We've tried everything, the feeding tubes, the bottle, pacifiers, the breast, a finger. Who knows if I ended up "traumatizing" her?

I'm going to the lactation consultant this afternoon. I'm praying, praying, praying that this gets resolved and she nurses. Having to pump every other hour really sucks (pun intended). I know I shouldn't be over dramatic about this. She's healthy, she's eating, I'm healthy, I'm pumping. But I love nursing, and I hate this. The postpartum hormones have kicked in, so every time I nurse and fail I cry, every time I pump I cry, every time I think about it, I cry. The good part about that is crying at the pump seems to help with letdown. I wouldn't be crying so much about except for the damned hormones, but everything would be so much easier if she would just nurse.

So, if you're the praying kind, send one up for us, will you? Nurse, Ava, nurse!!

Breastfeeding S.O.S.

Ava won’t latch to breastfeed. The pediatrician told me, before I realized we had a problem, that she was mildly “tongue tied.” The flap of skin beneath her tongue came toward the front of her mouth a bit too far.

The second day in the hospital, she just stopped nursing. She would try to latch on, start to suck, then stop and either fall asleep or 1) keep trying to latch, sucking a few times, then coming off; 2) start crying or 3) turn purple and start hyperventilating.

(She has an impressive cry. An attendant from the night nursery placed her beside my head as I awoke, saying, “She’s got one angry cry,” as she walked out. It’s a shrill howl, fraught with despair and quivering vulnerability.)

So before I checked out, I consulted with a lactation consultant. She gave me a little syringe that clips to my shirt and a tiny tube to supplement Ava (with pumped milk) at the breast or with a finger.

Problem is, it takes Ava about 20 minutes to drink ½ an ounce through that little tube, leaving her exhausted. Sometimes she latches on and nurses for about 5 to 7 minutes on each side. She does this on average twice a day or less. She didn't nurse all morning. Then my milk came in, making it even harder to latch. We had no choice but to switch to a bottle this afternoon.

I had called the lactation consultant for more advice. She said the more she doesn’t eat, the more tired she’ll get. I asked if it could be the mild tongue tie and she said the doctors used to just clip the baby’s tongue in the nursery. She gave me the name of an oral surgeon who would do it. “You can nurse her right after the procedure,” she told me.

As I dialed his number today, a Friday afternoon before July 4th weekend, I prayed to Jesus that they would see us right away. The office staff was so nice. I waited an eternity for the attendant to offer an appointment. When “Tuesday” slipped off her lips, desperation overtook me.

“I’m thinking about how we’ll get through the next three days,” I said.

“Is she taking anything at all?”

“Some but only an ounce so far today. She won’t latch, she’s getting more sleepy. I’m trying to establish my milk supply and get her to eat ...”

“Hold on.”

Ten minutes later, I headed up to Gloucester for a 2:30 appointment. Before even getting on the highway, I moved on to the next possibility: fixing her tongue tie would make no difference.

Right afterwards I gave her the bottle. She was supposed to drink 1½ ounces by 1:30 pm, and here it was 3 pm and she’d only drank ½ ounce. She took the last ounce in about 6 minutes on an Advent bottle.

When we got home she nursed for about 3 or 4 minutes. I’ve tried latching her on about three times since then, and she just cries.

When I bring her forward to latch on, seems to but then just stops and slips off the nipple. Then she starts crying and holding her head by from my nipple.

I can’t not nurse her. It’s just not an option. She has to learn. I’m looking through the Baby Book for tips but I don’t see any easy fix. Tonight I’m just sad about it. Not only missing the closeness of nursing, but pumping for a minute or two to soften the areola, trying to nurse and failing, icing my boobs for 10 minutes, pumping, icing my boobs for 10 more minutes, keeping the pump parts clean, relying on Brian to feed her while I do this, watching the boys getting through there day being ignored by mom and dad.

And, yes I now have “boobs.” John noticed them for the first time today, even though he’s seen me plenty of times without a shirt...

“Momma, why do you have two of those?”

“Because it’s always something,” I said. Which it is. Yesterday I thought jaundice was the problem, this morning her being tongue-tied, tonight no clue and that’s the worst because it’s like hitting a wall.

I’m keeping it in perspective though. I got my baby girl. At least she’s eating. Who cares if my family room rugs smells like the previous owner’s dog, especially when it’s humid? Who cares if I can’t nurse yet? She’ll nurse eventually. Right?