Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions seem to be my thing. I have many. Some people hate them, but for me, New Year’s resolutions are the last bastion of my self-help-junkie former self.

I have three huge bookshelves jammed full of books, most of it nonfiction. How to be a writer, how to be a better parent, how to weigh less, how to cook more. As I think back to where it all began, I remember those first excercise videos with Kathy Smith and Andrew Weil’s Natural Health, Natural Medicine. (I did listen to Codependent No More on the car tape player one time, crying all the way home from work. But then I threw it straight in the trash.)

Today, most of my self-help addiction centers around religion, parenting, writing, eating and exercise, and running the household (FlyLady). But I have to say that most self-help books now cause my eyes to glaze over. I’m just not interested anymore. I no longer believe that 8 weeks can change my life. I have my ideals and goals, the ones I never seem to achieve, and I don’t need any more to add to my list.

All that said, I do love new beginnings, starting again, getting a second (or third) chance to get it right.

I declared some resolutions at Mommybloggers this weekend, and I’m already getting started. See? I’m writing! And this weekend, I read. Actual books!

So great, I know.

Memorable quote:
What Do You Do All Day, by Amy Scheib.
“Let me come right out and say it: I’m not happy. But I don’t know whether this is a new ‘I don’t like staying at home with kids’ kind of not happy or the same old ‘I don’t like being a creature of this planet’ kind of not happy.”

Realization:
I so relate to this line. I've always been a melancholy kind of girl. I’ve known for most of this year that I'm somewhat depressed. But this weekend, it became crystal clear that I'm Depressed. Depression fools my brain into thinking the problem is Someone (like my husband or kids) or Something (like my house or my lack of local girlfriends). But every now and then I get my head above water, breathe some fresh air and realize that, wait a minute, my husband is pretty cool and, shit, I have a 3+ bedroom with a roof and floors. Look at the holiday cards and emails from all these cool women I know. What the hell's my problem? Then I go under again. I’m not sure what to do about it. I'm already in therapy. I've never taken anti-depressants before, plus I'm still breastfeeding. I’m hoping a little New Year’s eating right, going to bed early and getting some excercise will help.

Memorable quote:
The Momstown Guide to Getting It All, by Mary Goulet and Heather Reider.
“We’re all ‘GALs’ at MomsTown – that is, we’re working on Getting A Life. ... A GAL becomes her own person – outside the identity of being a stay-at-home mom.”

Realization
Uh-oh. The MomsTown Guide is a 10-week program. Like I said, I have an aversion to these “programs,” especially one that claims it will give me “a life.” Excuse me, I have “a life.” Is it often pathetic and lonely? Yes. But it’s a life, damnit. MomsTown goddesses, please remember: There’s a fine line between telling me to honor my passions and telling me I’m a loser. It’s a very fine line between “thanks for helping me get off my ass,” and let me knock you on yours.

3. New Year’s email from FlyLady.
“Let's take that perfectionism bat your are beating yourself up with on a daily basis and use it to hit home runs. Each time you see perfectionism throwing you a curve ball; turn it around and hit it back to where it belongs; Out of sight and out of mind!

"Fear is the opposite of love! In fact I believe that it is worse than hate. It is hate disguised as something else. When we uncover our fears and bring them into the light of day; we are acknowledging that we don't have to be perfect and that our fears do not make us less than.”

Realization
"Finally Loving Yourself" is a much better acronym than "Get A Life." When I found FlyLady, I didn't think I would never need another household-type self-help book, and so far, I still believe that. What FlyLady says about perfectionism always hits home with me. But as much as I like to think of myself as a perfectionist in recovery, I have been beating myself with the failure stick quite a lot in recent months. It’s time to move on. But four years after finding FlyLady, I’m depressed, yelling at my kids, not feeling fulfilled. I feel like I’m hitting bottom, or at least I hope it's bottom. I know that I'm not doing the basics to take care of myself, though. So I still think I can pull myself out of it, by eating right, going to bed earlier, exercising. I wonder if that's true.

Well, I have hungry children who have staged a rebellion so I must go. I plan to give the MomsTown 10 week program a shot, so I will keep you posted.