I've got 16 pounds to lose. Nothing fits.
By nothing, I mean one pair of jeans that I'm destroying by squeezing my fat ass into them, and a pair of sweats that also will never be the same. But I refuse to buy myself some jeans that fit. That's like admitting this is my new size. THIS IS NOT MY NEW SIZE.
Last week, I reread the rhino post, and my first instinct was to delete it. When I wrote it, I wanted to hold the thoughts in my hand, look them over, let the sunlight reveal their cracks and flaws. But revealing depression in such a public way feels like I’m standing here naked, showing off all my floppy, dimpled, blotchy parts.
The good news is that I got my period about a week after that, then started feeling better. The whole incident reveals to me (again) that I have severe PMS, so I should probably tell some doctor about it.
Thinking about all the things I need to do to take care of myself -- the vegetable chopping, the water drinking, the walking -- makes me feel so tired. But I know once I get going I’ll get my energy back. Every time I stop taking care of myself it gets easier to get back on the wagon. Oh, except for those pesky kids running around my house now. And that rhino.
I got some comments on that post saying, “Thanks for writing that, Kris.” At first, I couldn’t figure out why. But now that I want to delete it so bad, I guess I realize why. It’s hard to bare that ugly part of ourselves. But I’m glad I did, because it brings me relief to know that many of you know those feelings and have been there. I feel bad knowing that you know what I mean, but I feel not so alone. Know what I mean?
So here are some things that made me feel better that week:
• Blogging the evil thoughts.
• Eating. Temperary relief, long-lasting side effects.
• Our new tile floor in the kitchen (!).
• Blowing $75 on books, then joining QPB and Writer’s Digest book clubs (no further obligation!)
• Going to the book store (yes, I have a problem) while Brian dealt with the witching hour.
• Decluttering. Man, I love me some decluttering! But it wasn’t such a good idea to pull everything off the shelving units in the office and the pantry right before hosting a birthday party. I still can’t get to my freezer or into our office. On the plus side, I’ve got enough decluttering to do to keep me busy until Ava goes to high school.
• Spending some quality time with the boys. One day John and I broke out the paint set, another day Ben and I took a long walk. I finally finished reading the Wizard of Oz to Ben, and I took them both to Chuck E. Cheese. John and I made popsicles. These sound embarrassingly simple but I get into this “must do chores, must run errands, must make dinner” mode, and the next thing I know, it’s bedtime and I haven’t spent any quality time with the boys. I’m trying out the “must slow down” mode (again).
Yesterday, I went for a walk. A real one, where I’m alone and break a sweat. That was the first time since I had Ava that I’ve done that. I can't believe it's been so long. It's just not like me to not work out. It takes a toll on me, mentally and physically.
I’ve got 16 pounds to lose, did I mention that? But I'm not giving in. I'm resurfacing, clawing my way back to what was my "normal."
THIS IS NOT MY NEW SIZE!
4 comments:
Kris - Good for you, only having 16 lbs to lose after having a baby! Our babies are about the same (mine born aug 1st) and i have way more than that to lose. My exercise "program" starts this week. And good for you sticking to "this is not my size". I think that is one of the biggest parts - not settling - wanting more "health" for your body and life! Keep up the good work - I look forward to hearing more - I love reading your blog.
I am glad yu feel you are not alone because all of us women know we are not.Depression rears its ugly head in all of us at some point. Taking those walks and spending time with your kids is the best thing you can do!Keep up the good work! Take care!
Kris, IMHO just buy the bigger jeans. If it makes you feel better, cut the tag out or use a sharpie to colour over the numbers or whatever, but you'll feel *so* much better about yourself when your clothes fit. This from a woman who has jeans in three sizes. The larger ones are a shade too big, the middle ones a shade too tight, and the smallest ones I keep for the sake of nostalgia, because realistically speaking they'll never fit again. I work out two or three times a week, and hope that in six months or so some of my favourite (larger) pants are too big for me, but in the meanwhile at least I can look in the mirror and not feel I look like an overstuffed sausage.
And as for the rhino, I think it's very brave of you to examine it in the sunlight. There's nothing wrong with truth, and there's nothing wrong with shadows. Don't delete the post!
ok you are so not alone and the more blogs I read the more I realize "someone out there gets me!!"
and I totally get you with quality time with the kids, I have 4 and with driving back and forth to school and car pool and trying to keep the house from the point of no return and cooking and the never-ending story that is laundry..... it is hard to make that time!
and I am still working on the 20 pounds I didn't lose from baby#2 and had baby#4 almost 4 years ago , not to depress you it is possible I just happen to like food way too much!!
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