Day 29: A Stitch in My Side

I have this health thing that I've wanted to talk about here, but when I try, I find it’s such a long story. And the ending always feels so anti-climactic.

However that’s what’s on my mind, and this is NaBloPoMo, so ...

In my 20s, I had chronic pain in my right side, under the rib cage. That pain lasted for 8 years, I kid you not. After many different diagnostic procedures, it got diagnosed as musculoskeletal about six years in, and then was treated successfully with myofacial release and massage therapy a few years later. In all, I had that pain from age 18 to age 26, when I met the amazing physical therapist who healed me. It is one of the big stories of my life.

In summer 2005, after almost a decade of that pain being a distant memory, it recurred. At the time, I was pregnant with Ava and having a lot of back pain, plus pain from a whiplash injury three years previous. It made sense that it would act up.

I mentioned it my chiropractor, but she really didn’t get it. Again, no surprise. I’d spent eight years searching for a cure for the pain. No one got it then, why would they now?

Flash forward to this summer. Ava turned 1 and the pain just would not quit. Instead, it escalated. I felt bad all around, too: bloated, tired, sad, unmotivated, PMS mood swings that affected my kids. I made my primary care doctor feel my abdomen for tumors; he ran a blood/urine screen. I saw a massage therapist a few times. I tried to talk myself into getting on the health “wagon.”

Then one afternoon in August, I Googled the amazing PT who’d helped me a decade before, and up she popped on my screen. I held my breath as I made the necessary calls, and next thing I knew, I had an appointment with her! I couldn’t believe my luck. The emotions I felt seeing Mary again is a story I’ll save for another post.

Now it’s 10 weeks later. I’m still in PT, and my side feels worse. I haven’t wanted to admit that it feels worse, but it does. Just in the last 12 days or so, Mary has started working more directly on the source of pain, and I did get a sense that maybe it might work after all. Still, I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, the new guy in the practice so I could be seen right away. He turned out to be an interesting guy, who said, among other things, that “As a mother, we put you up on a pedestal.” It's about time I got some respect!

He ordered an ultrasound, more blood and urine tests. This morning the doctor left a message saying the ultrasound was normal and to give him a call with a progress report. When I called, I told the nurse I was sure everything was fine, and she told me I had white blood cells in my urine. I’m going in tomorrow to give another sample.

I got that rush of relief -- normal ultrasound -- followed by "Except for the blood in your urine." Can I just say, this is when I hate the Internet? Too much information, folks. I read up on “white blood cells in urine” on WebMD, and it means either an infection, cancer or kidney disease. I'm hoping it’s because the lab wasn’t set up for a clean catch.

Either way, tonight, I’m thinking about the pressure I’ve been feeling in my mid back, the night the pain got so sharp it hurt to breathe, and how much it would suck to have cancer or kidney disease. Consider this post on alert for deletion, but tonight I feel freaked the hell out. I’ve had the pain for a couple YEARS. What if I’m really sick?

That’s rhetorical, by the way. I know it’ll all work itself out. If I'm sick, I'll play the hand I'm dealt. Tomorrow, in the light of day, I won’t be so worried. In truth I know I feel like crap in large part thanks to my habits of late: not exercising, staying up late, having a few beers, drinking coffee all day, eating a ½ pound of white pasta with butter and parmesan for lunch, eating candy whenever it comes to mind. Some days, though, I wonder if I’m perpetuating my bad habits because I’m afraid to stop them and realize I don’t feel any better, that I’m sick. That kind of thinking is all kinds of stupid, I know. If I eat a damned apple and go for a walk I’ll feel better immediately. At least partway better.

Besides, what’s NaBloPoMo without a post I want to delete?