Resolved

I just read my resolutions post from last year. All I could think was, "Wow, I knew 2006 was a shitty year, but I didn't realize how shitty it was right from the beginning!" I mean, on January 2, 2006, I was already writing about being sad and not taking care of myself. That's pretty much how I spent the year.

However, I am smiling now, because my affinity for new beginnings and self help books may be paying off. In the fall, I bought a book called The Pathway on the cheap at BookCloseouts.com. Almost as soon as I picked it up in December, I felt a sense of relief much like I experienced when I found FlyLady.com. I knew I'd found something with potential to change my life for the better.

I've been going to a therapist for four years. While she is great and has helped me, I haven't experienced the kind of emotional/spiritual growth that I hoped therapy would bring. In many ways, I am in the same place I was four years ago.

With "the Pathway," a person's happiness depends on her ability to nurture herself and set limits with herself. As a first step, you check in with yourself through the day, asking "How do I feel," and "What do I need," and "Do I need support?"

The Pathway talks about being "above the line" or "below the line," emotionally. I tend to think of being depressed as being under water, so this analogy resonates with me.

The program offers a "toolkit" of skills. One is the "How do I feel? What do I need? Do I need support?" questions. Another is doing "limits cycles." In a cycle, we go through a "Natural flow of feelings," anger, sadness, fear and guilt. ("I feel angry that I get depressed and eat. I feel sad that I've gained all this weight. I'm afraid I'll always eat or drink or spend to excess. I feel guilty that I haven't taken better care of myself.") We then think about our "unreasonable expectations," (That I could nurture myself well from below the line) and replace them with reasonable ones (I expect that, as I stay above the line more, I'll take better care of myself). The cycle ends with a powerful, positive statement that rings true for us. (As I learn to the skills from the Pathway, I'll be above the line more often and will take better care of myself.)

There's another cycle for those of us who dwell in the negative: I feel grateful ___, I feel happy ___, I feel proud ___, I feel secure ___, naming five things for each.

The original thing that drew me The Pathway is its claim that, as we strengthen our "skills," our need for "external solutions," such as drinking, eating, overthinking, withdrawing, people pleasing, etc., will fall away. Instead, we'll have "internal solutions": a "nurturing voice" and an "inner sanctuary." As we reach the "top of the tree," (i.e., our "solution,"), we will feel our feelings, good and bad, without experiencing as many "false highs" or "unnecessary lows." In other words, we will be emotionally balanced. And, we will have our "sweetest fruit" in life, whether that be intimacy, emotional balance, freedom from external solutions or something else entirely. I still haven't pinpointed my own "sweetest fruit," but I've got a few candidates.

So, yeah. You won't catch me with the school pick up crowd, expanding about the "toolkit," and my "climb" toward my "sweetest fruit." I'm not sure how much I'll even blog about it, but I hope you'll feel free to email me if you're doing the program or are interested in talking about it.

With all that said, my resolution for 2007 is to do what I can, hour to hour, day to day, to keep myself emotionally "above the line." I'm going to keep going with the Solution training and see where it takes me.

As far as goals for 2007, I have a few of those too:

• Keep evolving as a mom; stay involved with the kids.
• Get into better shape: eat better and exercise more.
• Figure out what I want from my blog. A hiatus, a division into two blogs, or a new, anonymous beginning may be in order.
• Have another baby or give away the baby stuff. This has been the toughest decision of my life. But I can't put it off any longer.
• Pick up some paid writing work.
• Hang pictures, and add furniture, pillows, etc., to make my house feel more like a home.

Good riddance, 2006. Bring on 2007!