Every time I weigh myself, I weigh more. In fact, my five year old took this picture a month ago, and I’ve gained a few more pounds since. Taking another picture to match this post's title seemed self-abusive, though, so you guys can extrapolate.
What you can’t see:
• My double chin, artfully ensconced behind the turtle neck.
• My flesh extending a good 2 to 3 inches over my waist band, all the way around.
• My bulging tummy, which a side view would have revealed. If you look closely though, you can see the lines in my sweater billowing outward.
• The zipper on my jeans that keeps unzipping, which is probably unrelated to my weight but somehow makes me feel fatter anyway.
• My ass, because I care about you.
What you can see, besides the fact that I needed to wash my hair, is my thighs. Behold, the thighs! They were the bane of my existence from age 13 to 33. On reflection at my advanced age, however, I’m more pissed about not having breasts. Don’t you think a size C cup would balance my lower half nicely?
I don’t believe that I look disgusting or unattractive the way I am right now. Although I would look better if my clothes fit.
For many years I thought thin equalled attractive. It doesn't. So many other things go into "attractive" besides weight.
I just don't feel like myself at this weight. I don't feel comfortable. When I run my stomach flaps up and down and I have to hold it. This isn’t as obvious as holding large breasts but it’s much less fun. Also, the scale keeps climbing. I don’t like that either.
Then there's the fact that, if I don't eat well and get some exercise, my health suffers, regardless of what the scale says. I have enough working against me already: genetics, 12 years as a smoker, other things I don't care to mention. I don't want eating and not working out to go against me too. I want to meet my grandbabies.
Many of you reading this may weigh 160 pounds or more and feel fantastic. Maybe you’re on a diet and 160 is your goal weight. Maybe, if you could, you’d slap me across the face and say, “Quit bitching, skinny girl!”
I try not to get on my soapbox too often, but I want to point out that, in a Self article I read last night, the featured weight-loss woman's "before" weight was 156. Also, and more importantly, just because I don’t weigh more than X number of pounds, my struggle with weight and eating is no easier than anyone else’s. (Except for people with eating disorders.) I think about everything I put in my mouth and feel either virtuous or, to varying degrees, guilty. I have done this since age 10, when, because of my metabolism, I looked so skeletal that my teachers brought up my weight at parent-teacher conferences.
My mom always had ice cream, candy bars and pastries in the house. I don’t know why. Because it was 1980 and the living was easy? I remember sitting on the couch watching TV with my parents and older brother, eating a Snicker’s bar. I felt bad about myself with every bite. Looking back now I can’t believe that at age 10 I was already so worried about getting fat. One would think that, for someone who weighed 68 pounds soaking wet in snow boots and a parka after eating Thanksgiving dinner, “getting fat” wouldn't even be on the radar.
Just because someone’s thin doesn’t mean they have food and eating “figured out.” I sure as hell don’t and didn’t when I weighed 130 in my 20s and early 30s, either. It doesn't mean that person doesn't eat to feel better. It doesn’t mean that person doesn’t spend every day thinking about food and working out for fear of putting the weight back on. Because that’s what I did for a long time. Until I gave up and started gaining this weight.
I’m sick of the roller coaster, personally. I’m sick of thinking about food and my weight. But I still hope to get it figured out. Which means I'll have to think about it some more.
Yesterday I got a new book, Living the GI Diet. I was excited about it but now I see that I can’t eat peanut butter or watermelon on the plan, and my enthusiasm has dwindled. Because, I mean, watermelon? Peanut butter? It reminds me of the time my mother told me to stay away from corn and peas, and I was all, “Mom, I don’t think anyone ever got fat from eating peas.”
Eh. What do I know.
6 comments:
Yup. If only the clothes fit. I totally understand.
Good luck. I wish looking good from other people's perspectives is what really matters because you'd be beautiful...It's how you feel about yourself though. I totally get it.
Wow, I totally could've written that. I completely understand how you feel. And all this "diet" and "lifestyle change" stuff is hard. Just hang in there.
Very much understand. And I know what I need to do (exercise and less junk), but I'm so tired it's hard to go exercise...and I know if I'd do it I'd feel better/have more energy, but it's SO hard to get started again--I did last summer and have now gained back more then I should have. And the clothes don't fit well again,and I refuse to buy the next size up, but really I should...so yes, I understand you.
I suppose it doesn't help to know that you are not alone. Right now, I am feeling so demoralized about the process of trying to lose weight that it's paralyzing. I started to read "You on a Diet" and instead of inspiring me, it just depressed me more.
Good luck on your quest. Good luck to us all.
I hear you, hard, hard, hard, and I feel uncomfortable too. How I want to be a healthier weight. I'm doing weight watchers. I LOVE the program. It's still HARD!!! but we can all walk for 5-10 minutes a day, and how transforming that little bit of time is...jsut the fact that you're doing something nice for yourself. The realistic food amounts and choices.. and the support of the meetings when you find a good leader. Throw in cookbooks to make yummy food that's healthy and then you can actually feel excited about good choices.
Try it! Though I've been on and off when I follow it as a healthy way of life I lose and more importantly feel so much better!!!!
Hi there,
First of all, I stumbled upon your blog and am really glad I did. Second - wow. I can totally relate. What really struck me is the way you described your family's eating habits while you were growing up; you might as well have been describing my experience!
I think yes, there are things we could ALL improve upon, and living a more active, healthy lifestyle is probably at the top of the list for the majority. I know it's on mine; as a sugar fiend I have to keep myself disciplined.
However, I think our society as a whole has become so fixated on weight, "good foods" vs. "bad foods", appearance, "hard abs" and "wrinkle-free faces - WOW! - at 40!" that we've left little room for just feeling GOOD. Yes, it's one thing to want to get back in shape to feel good; to live a fuller life with more energy and zest. But being in shape and feeling good doesn't mean you have to have tight abs, small thighs, Botox brows, and shiney, clean hair all the time (ha!).
I guess my point is that yes, adopting a healthier lifestyle is a worthwhile goal. But by focusing only on foods and numbers on the scale and pictures you'll only get so far. Those are good tools to map your "progress", but I really don't think they're the starting point for so many women who, like you and me, grew up with a very warped relationship to our bodies and food. As someone who had those same awful thoughts as you did growing up (but took it to the next level of bulimia), I've learned that changing the way I approach food, changing the way I value myself and my life, is the piece that made the biggest difference. One thing that got me started was just sitting back and marvelling at the human body itself. How awesome is it that we're able to run and jump and bend and twist; that cuts can heal, that babies can be born. Your body is an amazing thing: it's more than Snickers bars and stomach rolls; it's LIFE; your children are evidence of this! Start thinking of and treating it as such and the rest will fall into place.
Good luck, and I'll definitely keep reading!
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