MotherTalk Blog Tour: The No-Cry Discipline Solution

This post is part of a MotherTalk blog tour. For links to other posts about this book, click here.

Let me admit upfront that when it comes to discipline, I haven't got it figured out yet. For example, I bitched at my 5-year-old while writing this post. I'll spare you further confessional details and just say that, if someone were passing out grades for disciplining kids, at this point, I'd probably get about a C+.

It's not that I haven't read a lot of parenting books. I have, to the point of being a bit burnt out by the topic. However, I have to persevere, because I've got three gremlins to raise, and because things still don't go as smoothly around here as we need them to. Some days, it's hard to get them to cooperate and behave, it's hard to keep my cool, and it's hard to remember that, when it comes to parenting small children, the days are long but the years are short. We stand to lose many potential happy memories if my husband and I don't find more effective discipline methods, and soon.

Enter Elizabeth Pantley. I'm suprised that I hadn't hear of her before this. In addition to her latest book, The No-Cry Discipline Solution, she's written a library full of parenting books, serves as president of the parent-education company Better Beginnings, and authors a nationally distributed school newsletter, Parent Tips, which I believe I received from my son's preschool.

As I flipped through The No-Cry Discipline Solution, at first I thought it was 1) geared toward parents of children younger than mine, and 2) giving me the same old pat answers, such as "give choices." However, as I dug deeper, I realized that Pantley has packed a ton of information into this book, information that I can certainly apply to my five- and seven-year-old boys.

I like that Pantley emphasizes coaching and teaching children, with lots of nurturing and empathy thrown in. I like, too, that she doesn't give just one "magic" answer for the most vexing parenting problems. She gives many different strategies for dealing with just about any problem you'll face while raising kids, in most cases telling you exactly what to do and what words to say. She gives so many options that I was grateful to see a "reminder page" at the end of each chapter, kind of cheat sheet, with all of her advice from that chapter in one easy-to-scan list.

During the seven years that I've been a parent, I've heard a lot of summations about what discipline involves. One I heard at a recent MOPs meeting I attended was 1) teach, 2) train, 3) correct. However, I like Pantley's definition of the four parts of discipline even better:

1. Correct immediate behavior
2. Teach a lesson
3. Give tools to build self-discipline and emotional control.
4. Build the relationship

She follows this up with many examples of how to put the four steps into action. The chapter, "Discipline and Cooperation, Choose Your Adventure," was very helpful, with many strategies for getting kids to go with the flow. Thanks to Pantley's advice, Ava's diaper changes now feature a diaper puppet show, and I've been practicing my "when/then, now/later, you may/after" phrasing with all three kids.

Everyone's heard of creating family rules. I've flirted with doing that for a while but I was stuck. Pantley's gotten me unstuck by advising me to write down my 10 most troublesome discipline problems and building a list of 10 clear and concise rules from them on a poster board decorated with fun stickers. I also can't wait to try Pantley's "quiet bunny" approach to teaching my kids deep breathing and relaxation.

If I had to pick a favorite part of the book, it would be the section "Planning Ahead, Looking Ahead: Your Child as a Teenager." It features a four-page chart of typical (mis) behaviors of kids and teens, then for each, it gives the preferred behavior and how to help your child develop that preferred behavior. The best part? The "how to help" column is broken down by age (toddler, preschooler, child -- hey, I've got one of each!), with advice specific to that stage. The advice has been enlightening for me, as I often confuse myself as I attempt to discipline my preschooler and first-grader for similar infractions.

There's also a large section that addresses us, the parents, directly. In it, Pantley looks at anger from all angles, why it starts, how to avoid it, and how to back out of the room like a turtle into its shell when emotions boil over. She disects and refutes the "common mistaken beliefs and negative thoughts that cause angry emotions to spiral out of control," including "my child misbehaves just to spite me," "my child listens to me only when I get angry," and "my angry outbursts create permanent damange in our relationship," in which she gives parents a pat on the back and assures us that kids are resilient. I think anyone who struggles -- whether once in a while or often -- with yelling at their kids and ending the day with a sense of regret or frustration will gain a lot from reading this section. I know I did.

In one part, Pantley addresses the familiar parental refrain, "I shouldn't have to repeat myself over and over again on the same issue!!" (Exclamation points mine.) "Actually, adults still engage in this rule-testing behavior," Pantley reminds us. "Do you always obey the speed limit? No? According to some studies, almost 70 percent of driveers admit to speeding over the posted limit."

The last part of the book, "Specific Solutions for Everyday Problems," offers nearly 100 pages of detailed advice tailored to the specific behaviors that can push even the most patient parent over the edge. It even includes a section on other people's undisciplined children! Pantley seems to have thought of everything.

Anyone looking for advice on discipline will do well with The No-Cry Discipline Solution. I've been there/done that with many parenting books, but I do feel like I've found a valuable resource in this book. It will have a prominent home by my computer in the family room, and I plan to refer to it often. In addition, I'll get an Amazon credit for writing this review, and I plan to spend it on another of Pantley's books: Kid Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate. Like I said, when it comes to disciplining my kids, I've grown and improved a lot over the years, but I know I have more to learn. Pantley seems like just the right person to teach me.