Rhymes With "Soup"

Hey, whattya know? I have a new post up at DotMoms, which I hope you'll enjoy. So go on, go read it. Don't be a poopyhead.

I Remember You

Three years ago today, I found out a baby I’d carried for two months had died. It was one of the saddest days of my life. It changed me forever.

When I got home after the D&C that Saturday afternoon, all I wanted to do was snuggle with the boys on the couch. After they went to bed, I cried and cried. No baby to bring to Thanksgiving and Christmas. No baby this year, even. No baby.

Monday was the hardest, with Brian back to work, life around me returning to normal. I’ve never felt so empty.

I did have a baby sitter back then, for a few hours in the morning. I used that time to go to the bookstore for trashy magazines and to the grocery store for chocolate and soda and coffee and ice cream. Back at home, I put all the pregnancy books and exercise videos away in the upstairs closet, hid all the hospital paperwork in a file drawer, and threw out the sympathy cards and the gorgeous, purple flowers my friend had sent me. I couldn’t bear the reminders. If only I could have hidden the cruel, crimson-soaked pads I faced every time I went to the bathroom.

For weeks I sat on the couch and ate and watched daytime TV while the boys bounced off the walls around me. Then, I got up. Life went on.

Just as the miscarriage blindsided me, so did my reaction to it. I was only seven weeks. Why was it so hard?

A few weeks ago, my local MOPs meeting was about death and grieving. We listened to some painful miscarriage stories. (Is there any other kind?) During the discussion afterwards, the table leader asked us, If you have experienced a loss, what did you learn from it that we might use to help the grieving?

I answered something about being there for the person, not to talk about the loss, per se, but just with an invite to the movies or something. After our discussion broke up and my table mates went to get their kids from the babysitting rooms, I realized what I should have said: An early miscarriage may not be as painful as a later one, but it is excruciatingly painful nonetheless. Just because my baby was, I don’t know, an inch long, doesn’t mean I won’t miss her for the rest of my life.

At that meeting they had some suggestions for grieving a miscarriage, such as giving the baby a name, planting a tree in her honor, having a special dinner on his “birthday” to remember and honor him. Listening to those suggestions I felt bad that I didn’t plant something, or name him, or hold on to items from the hospital. So busy to forget, it seemed I forgot to remember.

I mulled that over in these last few weeks. I've found that, when I look back now, I can see more than just my own stinging disappointment and rage and confusion. I can see that baby, whom I had the privilege of knowing for seven weeks, if only in the form of my nausea and fatigue and optimistic visions of the future. I can see an angel, waiting to meet me someday. And I can say to her, "I remember you, baby. Mama would never forget."

DVD Review: Peter Pan

In case you somehow managed to escape the marketing juggernaut known as Peter Pan during the last few weeks, well, here I am with a review. I jumped on the chance to review this DVD because it was one of my favorite Disney movies as a kid.

After watching it again last weekend, I can honestly say it's still my favorite Disney movie. With the mysterious Peter Pan, the flight to Never Land for an adventure away from mom and dad with pirates, danger and magic, it kept my boys (ages 5 and 6) and I riveted from start to finish.

I had read this fantastic edition of Peter Pan to the boys a few times, and was interested to see how closely the movie stayed to the original story. I didn't do an analysis or anything, but I didn't see any major differences except at the end. The movie changes it so that, to the parents' perception, the kids were gone for just the evening. The original story shows the parents missing their kids, for months, presumably, with the mom leaving the nursery window open for the kids in case they ever come home. This 2-disc edition does have a never-before-seen alternate opening, which I'll be interested to watch.

You already know my opinion of Tinkerbell, but I had forgotten Peter Pan's other flirtations with the mermaids and with the Indian girl, who he rescued, as they celebrated around the bonfire. Ben couldn't stop giggling through those scenes, and they made the whole adventure to Never Land seem even more forbidden and exciting.

If you'd like to extend your Peter Pan experience, there is a sequel that has Wendy's daughter making a trip to Never Land. It's called Return to Never Land and is also available on DVD. Ben and John have enjoyed it several times.

The extras in this two-DVD set include:
• Camp Never Land. Explore Never Land with all-new multilevel games: Sudoku Challenge, Tarrrget Practice, and Tink's Fantasy Flight. I haven't had a chance to play these yet, I'm not even sure how to play a game on a DVD!

• Peter Pan's Virtual Flight. Soar with Peter Pan on a thrilling virtual flight experience. Just like flying! Only different.

• Deleted Songs. Surely they could have come up with a better description than "deleted."
Like, say, "never-before-released"?

• In Walt's Words. Walt Disney reveals "Why I Made PETER PAN." I haven't seen it yet, but I bet it had something to do with the money-making potential, ya think?

• Sneak Peek at the All-New TINKER BELL Movie. Oh, that little tramp is at it again. What innocent young girl will she try to kill to satisfy her own lusty amibitions this time?

I’m not one who feels the need to own every movie that comes along. But I'm very glad to have this one. I know the boys will enjoy it several times before it gets scratched all to hell and gets lost in the sofa cushions. I highly recommend this edition of Peter Pan, and if you'd like to check out some games and other goodies online, head over to Disney's official Peter Pan Web site (warning: it plays music!).

When a Bad Day Meets a Good Shoe Sale

You know, when you need to lose 30 pounds and your husband says no to baby No. 4 and you need a writing job and the calendar says PMS, why not buy some shoes? Shoes fit whether you're a size 12 or a size 4. Shoes don't care if you have a cool writing job or not. Shoes are your friends.

It's not as bad, or as good, as it looks. The stack includes two boxes for Ava and two for my mother, and about half of all of them will go back. Still, the whole exercise really brightened my week. I especially enjoyed watching the UPS guy walk back and forth a few times from his truck to my house. Did I mention I have a tall, dark and handsome UPS guy? He looks to be in his early 40s, which makes him even more attractive in my book. If they make a UPS guy calendar, he should be in it, perhaps even on the cover. Maybe I'll snap a photo of him next time and make my own calendar. That wouldn't be so wrong, would it?

Anyway, if you need a little pick-me-up this week, head over to Want Not to find out where to get shoes on the cheap, with free overnight delivery and returns! The trick at Endless is go to the sale page, sort by lowest to highest price, and buy only one pair of shoes per order, so you get the $5 off on each pair. As for me, I'll be test driving my new strappy sandals. Yeah, yeah, I'm just home with the kids. But who knows, maybe I'll get a UPS delivery.

And Three It May Be

This weekend, I pressed Brian to make a decision about having a fourth baby. He said he was 40-60 against doing it. I said, we have to decide, yes or a no. And he said no.

He says, and has said all along, that if I really want to have another he will support my decision. But now he says, if it were up to him, he wouldn’t. If it were up to him, we would not have another child.

I hate melodrama more than you know, but when he said that I felt like someone died. This fourth baby took up residence in my brain, in my heart, in my view of the future, for nearly 10 years. To say goodbye will be tough.

But I’m not the first mom to say good-bye to a child or just a wish for one. If you’re ever in a room with 5 or more women over age 30, the odds are probably that one of them has had to say good-bye to a baby. Even I have done it before.

I told Brian that he should handle getting rid of all the baby stuff and do it as quick as possible. I told him how sad and disappointed I felt. He seemed surprised by my reaction and felt somewhat attacked, I think. He reminded me that he’s flexible, willing to roll up his sleeves and do it.

The fact is, I couldn’t be raising even the three kids without him. If I didn't have his help with our three kids I'm fairly certain I wouldn't want another. We are a team. And so far, every step of the way, we’ve both been in full agreement, eyes looking forward, not side to side, up and down, analyzing what if’s and financial portfolios and minutes of personal time. If he’s not on board 100 percent, I have to ask myself, is having a fourth really the right thing?

In our family, there are three couples with four children: two of Brian’s cousins and my brother. The youngest child in all three families is about 10. In the fall, I asked them all, face-to-face: We’re considering a fourth, what do you think?

All three couples said don’t do it.

Now, of the three couples, one had a surprise 4th pregnancy on the heels of twins, another's fourth was also a surprise followed swiftly by a vasectomy, and the third couple, well they were my last hope. As far as I know, they planned their fourth baby. But she looked me in the eye and said, “I wouldn’t do it.”

Obviously this is no scientific sample. Still, how could they say that when they obviously love their fourth child? I have to wonder, Is the late 40s/early 50s parent of teens and a 10 year old just plain burnt? Maybe it’s just a bad time to ask them that particular question. Like asking someone in the recovery room after an Extreme Makeover surgery whether they think I should do it too.

I hate that this decision is so hard for me. I’m pissed that life isn’t easier, that I couldn’t afford adoption, that part of the reason for Brian’s decision has to be financial, even though he hasn’t said that.

It probably didn't help that he cleaned up vomit before going to work today.

I’m sad that I feel like I’m a child short. I’m sad that we may be done making babies. I’m afraid I didn’t enjoy it enough with my first three. I wish I’d been more in the moment, more mature, more knowledgeable. Maybe if I’d done a better job as mom around here, maybe then Brian would be 60-40 in favor of another baby. My babies grew up too fast, and I grew up too slow.

Part of the reason Brian doesn’t want a fourth is the time it will take away from our existing three. He feels like he doesn’t have enough time with them as it is. Brian’s looking ahead to other aspects of their youth, and he feels done with the baby stuff.

I wish I felt done.

Spousal Support

Him: It sucks being 40.

Me: I bet.

Him: *Silence*

Him: Good come back.

Me: Thank you.

MotherTalk Blog Tour: Good Kids, Bad Habits

Did you know experts believe today's kids will be the first generation with a lower life expectancy than their parents? Or that drinking one can of soda a day increases a child's risk of becoming obese by 60 percent? Scary stuff. But the good news is, small changes in the way we guide our kids will lead to huge rewards in terms of their health and wellness.

I'm thrilled to be part of the MotherTalk blog tour for Good Kids, Bad Habits, because it's a wonderful, empowering book that I think every parent, grandparent, or child care provider can benefit from. Author Jennifer Trachtenberg is a mother of three, a New York City pediatrician and the chief pediatric officer for RealAge.com. In other words, she knows what she's talking about when it comes to children's health, and she's managed put together a book that's both an easy read and a treasure-trove of useful information.

This official "RealAge Guide to Raising Healthy Children" is organized into eight chapters, which reveal the breadth of topics covered here: Eat Up, Shape Up, Spiff Up, Smarten Up, Chin Up, Gear Up and Check Up. It sounds trite, but really, everything's covered, from nutrition and exercise to study habits, safety and mental health.

Trachtenberg's voice is easy going and down-to-earth. The book is easy to scan for the information you need, thanks to rattle, teddy bear and backpack symbols that indicate sections targeted toward babies and toddlers, children, or teens. Also, nearly every page throughout the book has charts, text boxes or bulleted lists, which really helps to break the information down into manageable pieces. One chart breaks out fruits and vegetables by color. Just choose at least two items from each column when you shop -- easy! Another outlines all the specific intellectual milestones to look for, from babyhood through age 18. There's even a chart detailing the problems different kinds of germs create, information I know I'll need to convince my boys to wash their hands, change their socks or even use a clean drinking glass. I guess that happens sometimes when their teenagers. Oh, who am I kidding. It's already happening.

There are no recipes (gasp!), but if you poke around in the Eat Up chapter you'll find several unique, simple ideas for lunch and snacks. Actually, every chapter is full of practical, common-sense suggestions for everything from getting your Wii addict exercising to boosting his self-esteem.

Good Kids, Bad Habits incorporates the RealAge philosophy that a certain diet or habit can make your "real" age younger or older than your biological age. "RealAge Projections" throughout the book tell you how much "younger" a habit may make your child once they hit age 30.

And it wouldn't be a RealAge book without a test, now, would it? I took the RealAge Healthy Kids Test braced for the worst (you can take it online here). I'm not doing too bad though! And I feel relieved to have all the information boiled down for me. The Web site lets you take the test for each of your children, and with the results comes all the information and links you need to make healthier choices going forward. You may even realize you can lighten up in certain areas.

Speaking of lightening up, there's another test, What's Your Parenting Style? I'm a drill sergeant. Can you believe it? Maybe my 6 year old really means it when he says he hates me. I really thought I was diplomatic parent, like the Brady Bunch mom, you know? Well, at least the test has some tips to point me in the right direction.

Here are a few tidbits of information I've learned reading this book:

• When evaluating your child's diet, look at the whole week, not one day.

• Teach your child the universal choking sign! I'd never heard of this before.

• Kids' cereal should have 3-6 grams of fiber and 5 grams or less of sugar per serving. (Heep on the fruit, folks.)

• I used to think my boys needed one hour of exercise a day, but according to this book, they need two hours. I have to admit this is a bit discouraging, but there's lots of suggestions here, including Dr. Mehmet Oz's favorite active game to play with his kids, described in the introduction.

• The best time for kids to do homework is after sports or an activity. I always thought it was after school, but that's apparently the worst choice. From now on, I'll have Ben run around for a bit before settling in to do homework.

Good Kids, Bad Habits is an excellent resource for any parent. I highly recommend it for fitness buffs and McDonald's regulars alike. At the very least, spend some time exploring the online RealAge Parenting Center. It's fun. It's empowering. And your kids will thank you for it. Heck, the longer and healthier they live, the better the odds they'll take care of you when your old. That's what I tell myself, anyway.