How you doin'?

I said I would write three posts about the retreat I went to a few weeks ago, and I decided to start with No. 3: If this was your first adoration (it was mine), discuss any revelations you received.

Even though I've always been a Catholic, I'd never been to adoration, and I didn't even know what it was, really. Here's a definition I found at Catholic.com:

"It is the worship of Jesus Christ outside of the mass. A consecrated host is placed in a monstrance and set upon the altar for the faithful to worship. Since the consecrated host contains our Lord Jesus in His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity, we are strongly encouraged by the Church to worship Him in this fashion."

In other words, you go to church, and sit (or kneel) there in Jesus' presence.

So, we enjoyed a morning of speakers at the retreat, had lunch, then were invited to go to adoration in the church, conveniently located across the hall at St. Patrick's Church in Stoneham. (Beautiful church, by the way! Scroll all the way down to see the gorgeous statue of Mother Theresa and the stained glass).

I sat there for a while, gazing at the monstrance, alternating between waiting for A Message to apologizing to God for everything from yelling at my kids, to being a lazy, undisciplined glutton and a pretty lousy wife. Yes, it was a sad line of thought, but it was a sincere description of how I felt in that moment. (I didn't know it at the time, but I had PMS -- TMI, but relevent TMI.)

Then, this thought came into my head: "You're doing well." I was filled with a sense of how hard I was being on myself, and how I have a tendency to do that.

And how I really shouldn't do that.

Just so you don't think I'm being cavelier in my list of PMS-laden thoughts, let me explain:

• Yelling at my kids: I started homeschooling my kids in the fall, and I've often thought of this as a chance to get closer to them, to be a more loving mom. However, more times than I would like, I yell, act impatient, and am otherwise a poor example of how I want them to behave. But God says I'm doing well.

• Lazy: Even though my ankles feel great (long story, search the archives in 2007-2008 if you want), I have not been exercising. Even though it would improve my temperment during the day, I have not been getting up early, but instead sleeping until the kids get up. Lots of things that need doing around the house have gone undone. But God says I'm doing well.

• Glutton: I have been eating a lot. A lot. Stress-eating like nothing I've experienced in myself before. Like, where I normally would've eaten a snack of ice cream or nachos or a diet soda at night, I have all three. Like, when I'm running an errand by myself, driving to McDonald's or Dunkin' Donuts and eating those evil ice cream coffees and French fries, or donuts (yes, the plural there is intended). I have never done that kind of thing before, and it's kind of scary. But God says I'm doing well.

• Lousy wife: Suffice it to say that I can be kind of crabby and unappreciative. But God says I'm doing well.

The truth is, if I put all of these self-criticisms into a line graph (how pathetic would that be?), over the last decade they would all have an upward trend toward improvement. Yes, I need to look at myself truthfully and work on my faults and bad behaviors. But -- Hello! -- most of this negative self-talk comes from the devil and from fear, and I don't want either dictating my decisions or my state of mind. 

Overall, even though I'm not where I need to be, thank God I'm not where I was. 

I'm doing well.